After a few incidents in the last month or two, I'm starting to wonder just how much we rely on digital media to keep us connected and what that does to affect the way we perceive the world.
A few months ago, I was on facebook and sent a request to one of my instructors to befriend her on the site. Without using names, she taught writing classes and since I'd had her a number of times I thought that we were 'close' enough to be friends on the site. I didn't expect invites to dinner or anything other than some way to keep in touch. So I sent the friend request, figuring that as I started grad school, I'd still like to keep in touch with her since she's done a great deal to shape my writing and the way I approach certain topics. About a week later, I got a message in my Facebook box from her saying that part of her simplifying her life meant that she wasn't accepting any new facebook friends.
This wasn't a situation where I could blow it off as someone online across the country that I didn't know. This was a person that I had a great deal of respect for and at least hoped to have a way to keep in touch. Yet she was denying my 'friend request' in lieu of simplifying her life. I wasn't really sure how to respond, and still am not really sure how to see this denial.
On one hand, it's an online social site, so some people have a massive list of 'friends' that they keep track of. After the first hundred or so, how many friends can we really have?
On the other hand, it felt almost like that boyfriend/girlfriend that wanted to date you but wouldn't really make that fact public. The one that you were so happy do be around and wanted to be part of, but any way of publicising that relationship made them uncomfortable and squeamish.
Another incident happened this past week when a friend that I'd had a falling out with accepted my friend request a month or so ago. Part of me was relieved and figured that since she'd accepted that it meant she wanted some form of contact - even if it wasn't necessarily talking. So I've let things settle for almost a year with her and just recently sent her a message asking if she was free for lunch sometime. I still haven't received a response.
I can see that she's been on since the message, but there's still no reply or acknowledgement of the message. So then I begin to wonder if her acceptance of the friendship on facebook was a loose attempt at keeping contact (basically keep reading eachother's updates) or if it was to add more people to her page? Should I figure her non response as something akin to being too busy to return an email, or do I figure that to be her response?
How does Facebook and other social sites relate to our social structure? Are the same expectations made as they would be in real life, or is it some sort of structure in and of itself?
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Before computers and Facebook, we used to write letters and answer the phone. If you had called your friend a few times and she always had some reason to get off quickly, you probably would have figured out she didn't really want to continue the relationship. The same thing with letters.
ReplyDeleteI'd say that when she agreed to be your friend, she was thinking in an "anonymous" frame of mind. Like calling and writing, perhaps she sees your relationship just as dispensible. She might think that by not answering your inquiries that she's being extremely obvious for you to leave her alone. She's probably chagrined to some degree about the whole and may be hoping that by ignoring it (and you), will all go away.
I suggest you try another lunch invitation, perhaps someplace you both really like for what ever reason. If she continues to ignore the message, I'd remove her from my friend list since she's making no such effort to that effect.
You pose an interesting question. What is the etiquette for social networking sites? I suppose it's different for each site. This is what I mean: I've recently joined Goodreads.com, which is what I'm doing my facilitation on Oct. 13. I joined a couple weeks ago, created a user group, and required my Honors English students to join and find me so that I could enter them into our class group. The other day I received an invite to be someone's friend. I didn't recognize the name so I just hit "ignore." Immediately after I did that, I realized that the friend was another student I have in another class (her name is quite unique). So then I felt bad; there is no way to un-ignore. Tomorrow (Monday) I plan on talking to the student I ignored so that I can ask her to friend me again (although I guess all I need to do is friend her).
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean by etiquette depending on the site is that Goodreads is a social networking site for readers / book reviewers and that's it. The only aspect of my life that students (or anyone else) will see is of my reader-self (and opinion-self as a reader I critique or recommend books). I can imagine much more of a harsh message being sent if someone decided to ignore an email, harsher still if someone ignored a phone call, and down right brazen is someone chose to ignore someone else in person. There seems to exist a tier structure of expectation or importance when it comes to different social networking avenues.
Your post brings up some interesting "social" dilemmas, albeit digital ones. What is the proper etiquette is such situations? I think it is being negotiated as we speak, in small ways and through trial and error. It seems like people are searching for acceptable ways to conduct themselves with digitally mediated social networks, but everyone is operating on a different set of rules! Sometimes regular old communication gets complicated, but this can be downright confusing at times.
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